From Playlouder.com:
Dear reader, I feel it is my duty to drawn your attention to an article in the Philadelphia Inquirer which boasts the headline: "Scorning nihilist clichés. P.O.D infuses the genre with ideals" It starts thus:
"P.O.D front man Sonny Sandoval was in Manhattan the other day when he spotted one of those rock band promotional stickers that read "Keep Rock Evil." It made him mad. "I thought it was the stupidest sticker because the kind of music I like is the kind that makes me feel good - The Police or something, where the minute it comes on you're like - yes! That to me is all about good energy. If I want death and destruction I'll turn on the news." The mind boggles. Sonny is a Christian. This means he "believes" in the desert god psychopath Jehovah AKA the all-time undisputed heavy weight champion of insanely screaming death and utterly defenceless mega-fucking destruction. Remember the bit about Noah? Some people are acting a bit naughty - so God decides to destroy the entire fucking planet!!!! Um, hello? Remember Sodom and Gomorrah? Bit of same-sex love action going down, nutter fucking nukes the place. And then there's the bit where some bald bloke is on his way to the temple and he's teased by some delinquent juves who call him a slaphead and shit. So baldy has a word with God and God magics up some she-bears that rip the kids limb from screaming bloody limb. No, really. Do the words "death" and "destruction" not apply in this scenario, Sonny? You beatifically grinning fool?
The second part of this tri-split super-God is, of course, Jesus H Christ. This poor bastard preached wealth distribution, international socialism and universal brotherly love. So The Man whipped him, stripped him, stuck a crown of thorns on his head, nailed him to a cross and then stuck a spear in his side. You may have heard about it. It is in fact the founding myth of the Christian religion. But presumably Sonny doesn't read that bit of the Bible because it's too horrid. Too full of that icky death and destruction stuff. Maybe he's had a special Bible made - one which misses out all the death and destruction. And all the pain and suffering and insanity and madness and stupidity. Which would leave you with what - about 50 pages, tops? So I'm guessing that Sonny's padded things out a bit with some nice stories. Like when Jesus and Sting helped the Smurfs solve the mystery of the missing Christmas tree. Because, as the Philadelphia Inquirer informs us; "Where most of their competition traffics in grim odes of death, destruction and seething anger, the San Diego Ozzfest veterans address notions of unity and brotherhood, keeping one's word and maintaining grace in the face of adversity".
What the fuck has any of that got to do with Christianity? I despair of so-called Christian musicians. From Cliff to Bonio that testicular-cancer faced rat-fuck out of Coldplay, they're all such a bunch of bent-over-backwards, please fuck me up the arse, turn the other cheek, happy clappy, tambourine-tapping mouse cocks. If you're going to be a Christian then you might as well be a proper Christian i.e. a "born-again" Christian i.e. a whirly eyed nutter who believes every single word in King James version of the Bible was actually written by the insane god God himself. Dude, born-agains are totally rock'n'roll. They gibber insanely while possessed by the spooky "Holy Ghost" with all like snakes writing all over them. And then the vicar comes along and touches them on the forehead and they just collapse and writhe on the floor having orgasms. Cool or what? I mean fuck Satanism. Satanists are wankers. As is anybody who defines themselves entirely through negatives. Like all those whining losers who call themselves Leeds or Liverpool fans but are actually primarily motivated by a hatred of Manchester United. Tossers.
But imagine a Christian rock combo fuelled by the same insane sense of showmanship and froth-gobbed monomaniacal blood lust as The Lord God Almighty Himself. Imagine the gigs! You'd have a big lake of fire in the middle and bouncers would wade into the audience and grab hindus, catholics, jews, buddhists, moslems and atheists or people who make graven images or covet thine neighbours asses and throw them into the fire - just like it tells you to do in the Bible. Then maybe the bouncers could round up all the gays, or women with uncovered heads or bastards who eat meat on Friday and, I dunno, drop the ceiling on them or something.
But sadly P.O.D are fronted by an anaemic crusty who peppers his interviews with quotes like: "We always say that rock-and-roll doesn't define us as people. We don't need to be stars, we're not in it to be famous. For me the biggest change is now when I go to the store, I buy the sturdy paper plates instead of the flimsy ones and the three-ply toilet paper."
To which, of course, the only sane response is - Jesus H Christ Junior getting his fucking face bitten off by a rabid donkey while his mum's off round the back sharing a spit-roast with the Three Wise Men, get a grip, P.O.D front man Sonny Sandoval! You should be buying AK 47's and claymore mines and napalm with which to smite the stormtroopers of gay liberation, young girls who have abortions and all those who shit in the face of the insane god, God. That would rock. That would be intensely fucking rock and/or fucking roll. But as things stand you are a disgrace and an embarrassment to both your religion and your chosen genre. And if you don't desist sucking immediately, God will almost certainly kill you. The fucking nutter.
--Steven Wells, www.Playlouder.com
